I’m killing it right now. I spent a few hours at Aroma Joe’s last night writing. I got to talk to the Barista a little. I did two loads of laundry and one load of dishes when I got home. I read. When I got up this morning I made mini muffins. I did two more loads of laundry and one more load in the dishwasher. I visited mum and dad to borrow bread, then made poached eggs on toast for Ben and I. I played with M.
Then I broke.
M was fussing, and the boys were being the boys and there was just too much noise in the house. Or it was none of these things. It was the ants on the kitchen counter. It was the three baskets of clean laundry waiting to be folded. Or it was none of these things. It was the sheets that need to be changed. The new couch that hasn’t arrived yet. It was the dwindling weight watchers points. Or it was none of these things.
They say that alcoholics don’t need a reason to have a drink. Well, people with anxiety don’t need a reason to be anxious, it just happens. You can see reasons everywhere, but it is both everything and nothing all at once.
And then I’m crying.
And then I’m wrapped up in a blanket and literally curled up in the fetal position.
I’m reading Unashamed by Christine Caine right now, only where she talks about shame, I’m inserting the word anxiety. It clouds our judgement. If we don’t deal with it, it stops us from moving on. Acknowledging it is great, but then if you continue to live in it, you aren’t free from it. You can acknowledge it with your lips, and get on with your life, and still be living in chains to it. It’s a good book.
“Breaking free from the shackles of anxiety is not an overnight experience or a quick fix, ten step process. It is however, a grand, ongoing adventure of discovering the depths of God’s love and the huge scope of God’s power to transform us, recreate us, and continually renew us.”
So I find myself clinging to these promises when I am like this. When I am curled up. When I am feeling like a black hole threatens to pull me in again. I am his beloved and I will not believe the lies. I am a daughter of the one true King and I will not be brought down by something so unworthy. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I will not be defined by my base fears.
I cling to them with every taut muscle in body. I let the words wash over me, and yes, I let the tears fall. Because I need to release and not just hide. I let my husband look after me. And I hug my boys a little tighter. I leave the rest of the dishes, and the ants on the side. I have a piece of chocolate, read a little, and slowly, slowly feel normal start to run through my veins once more.
Just a little.