Wasted Time

IMG_9156.JPGI have had three months at home with my baby to ponder this. To think about how I spend my time. To spend my time differently. Going over the things I enjoy, the things I have no time for, and the things that can wait.

I have struggled through all three of my babies with the work or not work dilemma. Ask anyone who has walked with me through these tiny years and they will tell you I am a virtuoso yoyo expert on this. Sometimes I pray that God will make me (ha!) quit my job and stay home. Other days I thank him for the chance to be part of a wider community at work. Some days I am thankful for the security and comfort of a good job. Others I rail against the lack of time and the uselessness of it all.

As I stand on the precipice of a return to work and I look back at three months with my baby, I feel like I should be saying “that wasn’t enough time” or “that went by fast” or some such platitude about not wanting to go back. I find myself elsewhere however. Sure, I’d love to stay home with this snuggly bundle, but I don’t hate the thought of going back. I feel a “not enough time” on my lips but my heart just isn’t in it, because the time we’ve had has been wonderful and full of wonder.

At the beginning of my last Bible study, a friend said that when she spends time with Jesus she always asks him to take the small time she has and make it so much more. This is how I feel about these three months, like I’ve had a whole year of living in them. A whole year of snuggles. A whole year of baby smiles. A whole year of hand sewn dresses and after school crafts. A whole year of reading Sarah Bessey and Deidre Riggs and Jen Hatmaker with a baby in my arms. And yes, a whole year of binge watching on Netflix and too much Facebook feeding.

Staring at my Christmas tree tonight is like staring at my life. Some portions are laden down with ornaments that are within reach of little hands that were so eager to help. Some are completely barren. Some have nothing but the simple lights glowing. Other areas hold precious and delicate ornaments. Each section is different, and when taken on it’s own can seem to be the only thing about the tree, and that can be overwhelming. But as a whole, when you take in the barren spots, the overflowing and the simply lit, it just works.

To everything there is a season, a season does not balance you, but the whole year does. No time is wasted.

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